


A Heterodyne Story for All Hallows' Eve

by Sturzkampf



Category: Girl Genius (Webcomic)
Genre: Gen, Halloween
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-08-03 15:11:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16328411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sturzkampf/pseuds/Sturzkampf
Summary: Axel Higgs relates the horrific fate of one of the Old Masters





	A Heterodyne Story for All Hallows' Eve

**Author's Note:**

> _With apologies to the late, great, Dave Allen_

It was that time of the evening, just about the start of the third pint, when no-one could be said to be drunk, but no-one was entirely sober either. That time of diffuse unfocused contentment when The Heterodyne’s in her Castle, and all’s right with the world. Princess Zeetha had decided that Violetta’s job as bodyguard to The Heterodyne was making her far too stressed, so she’d insisted the Smoke Knight take a night off for a few drinks in The Stopped Clock Tavern. Naturally, Axel Higgs came along too. So far, the plan was working.

“I love what they’ve done with this place,” said Zeetha.

“Not bad, but I thought they’d have put up some decorations,” replied Violetta.

“Why?”

“I’m surprised Mechanicsburg doesn’t make tonight much more of celebration, especially now the tourists are coming back.”

“Tonight? What’s so special about tonight?”

“Why, it’s Halloween of course, the last day of October? You know, everyone dressing up as monsters and roaming the streets, spooky ornaments up in every window, everyone having parties to celebrate…  ah.”

“You mean like every other night in Mechanicsburg. Except usually the monsters aren’t people dressed up and the ghastly faces at the windows aren’t ornaments.”

“Okay, stupid question. Halloween isn’t anything special for the Heterodynes, I guess.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure,” said Higgs. “Did you ever hear how old Câinepăros Heterodyne came to a terrible end?”

“No,” said the two ladies together.

“Then let me tell you the story.”

Higgs leaned across the table and lit his pipe.

“You see, deep in the heart of the Transylvanian Mountains there is a lonely inn at the top of a mountain pass that hides a dark and terrible secret. Long ago the innkeeper made a pact with the Devil that in return for favours unspecified, the guest room at the top of the highest tower of the great gothic building would for ever be reserved for his Satanic Majesty’s use every All Hallows’ Eve. Even to this day, on that night of all nights, his descendants never let the room to guests, no matter how full the inn may be. Food and drink are left inside, and the door kept firmly locked between dusk and dawn. Come the morning, the food and drink are always gone and in their place there remains a terrible smell of brimstone and a chill of evil in the air.”

“Now, one All Hallows’ Eve it so happened that a party of students were staying at the inn. They scoffed at the innkeeper’s tale and the bravest, or perhaps the drunkest, resolved to dispel such irrational nonsense by spending the night alone in that terrible room on that most dreadful of nights. The pleas of the innkeeper and his wife fell on deaf ears and in the end, provoked perhaps by the mocking of their ‘peasant superstitions’, they consented to let him sleep in the awful haunted room.”

“After everyone had retired for the night the inn keeper and his wife, regretting their decision, sat up by the fire in their parlour to see the night through. At midnight, the ancient grandfather clock in the hall began to strike the hour. Suddenly the temperature in the room dropped and they felt the presence of a great evil. Their huge wolf hound, asleep in front of the fire, began to growl and whimper in its sleep and all the hair on its shaggy back stood on end. Then, as the clock sounded the last stroke of midnight, from the top of the tallest tower, from the awful haunted room, they heard deep diabolical laughter that surely came from no human throat and then a terrible scream that, perhaps through some odd acoustics of that rambling building, sounded as though it was plummeting down into the depths of Hell.”

“The innkeeper and his wife rushed from their parlour, up the winding stairs to the awful haunted room at the top of the tallest tower. With trembling hands, they threw open the door. The student had gone! All that remained was a terrible smell of brimstone, a chill of evil in the air and, smoking gently in the centre of the room, his left shoe. The unfortunate student was never seen or heard of again.”

“The story spread far and wide and soon came to the ears of Câinepăros Heterodyne here in Mechanicsburg. He flew into an insane rage when he heard the news.  He ranted that there was only room for one Evil Overlord in Europa and he was not prepared to have some vegetarian clown in horns, hooves and a tail challenging his authority. On the next All Hallows’ Eve he travelled to the inn to spend the night in the awful room and confront his eldritch rival who haunted that cursed inn. The innkeeper and his wife did not dare discourage him from such a rash course of action. In those days, nobody contradicted The Heterodyne; at least, not more than once. Despite his bravado, Câinepăros did make one concession should the Lord of Hell prove more troublesome than he anticipated.”

“’If something happens to me in that room tonight,’ he told them, ‘then if the pattern is repeated, my left shoe will be left behind. If the worst comes to the worst, I will do my best to leave some kind of message in my shoe so you will know my fate.’”

“The innkeeper and his wife had no choice but to leave The Heterodyne alone in the awful haunted room at the top of the tallest tower. They sat up in their parlour to see the night through. At midnight, the ancient grandfather clock in the hall began to strike the hour. Suddenly the temperature in the room dropped and they felt the presence of a great evil. Their huge wolf hound, asleep in front of the fire, began to growl and whimper in its sleep and all the hair on its shaggy back stood on end. Then, as the clock sounded the last stroke of midnight, from the top of the tallest tower, from the awful haunted room, they heard deep diabolical laughter that surely came from no human throat and then a terrible scream that, perhaps through some odd acoustics of that rambling building, sounded as though it was plummeting down into the depths of Hell.”

“The innkeeper and his wife rushed from their parlour and up the winding stairs to the awful haunted room at the top of the tallest tower. With trembling hands, the innkeeper threw the door open. Câinepăros Heterodyne had gone! All that remained was a terrible smell of brimstone, a chill of evil in the air and, in the centre of the room, his left shoe, smoking gently. Shaking with fear, the innkeeper picked up the shoe and in horror, he and his wife read the two soul-blasting words _burned_ into the bottom of the rubber sole.”

Higgs lent back in his chair and began to refill his pipe. Zeetha and Violetta waited with bated breath, their eyes wide, their mouths open.

“Go on!” said Zeetha, “What did it say?!” Higgs lit his pipe, took a puff, and then leaned back towards the ladies, lowering his voice to a dramatic whisper, as though afraid others might hear the terrible words.

“ _Size Twelve_.”

His smirk wilted beneath Zeetha and Violetta’s cold withering stares. There was a moment of silence, and then the sound of chairs being quietly pushed back from the table and weapons being stealthily drawn. Axel Higgs clapped his hand on his hat and ran for it. The two angry ladies chased him all the way to the Red Cathedral before he finally got away.


End file.
